Smithsonian, said: “I never thought I would see this. Nothing like this humanoid has been observed in its natural habitat since the early 1960s. Some sort of odd time warp has altered the normal pattern of this man’s home life. Apparently the temporary departure of his wife on vacation to the warmer climes of Florida has unhinged his sense of modern 21st century manhood. He has literally and figuratively regressed into a cave man.”
The first thing researchers noticed was that his home actually has the temperature of a prehistoric cave. Investigators found the 2ndfloor thermostat at 54 degrees and the basement at 55, which is typical for caves located in Maryland.
Also typical of cave men of long ago is the fact that he is accompanied by what can only be described as a Paleolithic feral dog of uncertain species. Called “Boosa,” for reasons no one can discern, the wolf-like dog responds affirmatively only to the words “dumb brute.” Like its reptilian forebears, it sleeps most of the day, moving into the sun when available, as if a crude biological imperative totally controlled its life.
The large black beast can scavenge for food like his undomesticated forebears, as if he had no idea next meal was coming from. Boosa eats foul garbage and the rank droppings of other dogs when on walks, preferring this disgusting fare to anything a civilized house pet would eat out of a bowl. Vile is too mild a word to use in describing this wild animal’s diet and behavior. When presented with the dog food that most domesticated pets receive, he was observed wolfing down three cups in less than 18 seconds, without a thought to what it might actually taste like.
The feral dog has been observed absurdly leaping two feet off the ground three times to please the Cave Man prior to feedings. Like his savage forbears, this 75-pound fanged creature viciously snarls and snaps his jaws when anyone closes a car door or dares to approach the residence. In turn, when his master approaches him with a leash, the lowly cur has been observed to prostrate himself with his snout scooching along the floor.
Such primitive groveling behaviors clearly mimic the disregard of all civilized behavior so evident in his twisted and unyielding master: The Cave Man of Bethesda. Often the bearded man is heard cackling like a wild hyena just at the indignity and stupidity of his canine companion, bringing into question the mental stability of this cave dweller.
The two sleep together in the extremity of the cave, with no window or light emitted and have been known to heedlessly pass gas in each other’s general direction without even an apology or attempt at civility or self-control, further eroding any behavioral barriers between man and beast. Butt sniffing is the norm, not the exception, in this crude household arrangement.
Socially, Cave Man has regressed at least 50 years from American norms. He eschews the use of utilities that mark a civilized society. All electric clocks and computers have been unplugged. His wristwatch is broken and he refuses to fix it. He has not turned on a television since his wife departed. His ability to operate a remote control is, in fact, untested and may not be functional at all times.
He also rejects the use of iPods, iPads, iPhones and other necessary goods of the 21st century; instead, he actually reads hard-bound books. He even sits around playing vinyl disks on a quaint record player, occasionally bursting out with lyrics from “Sympathy for the Devil” or “Paint it Black” and other throw-back songs from the Rolling Stones, the Greatest Rock and Roll Band of all time. Such relics have helped observers to date this man to the 1960s.
Cave Man walks upright; in fact, he walks most everywhere he goes. Observers tagged his car, which never moved for all the weeks he was under observation. This man walks miles to work, taking a bus as need be. He talks to bus passengers and other strangers he meets in public spaces, bewildering all but a few of them. Several have surely asked themselves whether the local mental health authorities should be notified after a chance encounter with his unprovoked bonhomie and cheerful witticisms. Incredibly, he actually likes going to work in the morning, chirping loudly in incoherent vocalizations while in the shower, drying himself, or embarking on his day.
As if he needed more exercise, he was seen mindlessly lifting weights and running for days on end. He has the self-denying work ethic of the 19th century, spending 12+ hours in the office seven days a week. Were he to be given a plow he would gladly pull it himself to spare the oxen, all for the sake of his family and recently departed wife. What an oaf! What a fool—even an
April Fool.
Scientists conclude that the Cave Man of Bethesda is worthy of further research. If his unfathomable dedication to work and
disregard, even disdain for modern conveniences is not a sign of his evolutionary remission, then what other evidence is required? Could this fool be the true “missing link” between the 21st century and our prehistoric ancestors?
Dietrich’s brother Bill, who resides in Bethesda and works in Washington, DC, as a respected tax accountant, contributed this guest column.